24/10/2026
It's been a week since you left me, my boy, and I still cannot make sense of this new life without you. For the past few days, I've felt completely numb, almost as though my mind couldn't comprehend that you were really gone. I've been waking up feeling lost, disconnected, and unable to feel much of anything. But today, everything has come flooding back. The sadness, the guilt, the regrets, and the unbearable longing to hold you just one more time.
I keep going over the different decisions about your treatment in my mind. I wish I could turn back time a year ago and change that antibiotic, because I know things would have been different. And knowing that when we finally tried it now, there was already resistance to it, is absolutely destroying me. I wish more than anything that I could go back and change that one decision.
I miss our cuddles so much. I miss the way you would flatten your little facey against my arm and grind your teeth in happiness. I loved those little moments we shared more than I could ever explain. I would give absolutely everything to feel your little face against my arm again, to kiss you and tell you how much I love you.
I had so desperately hoped you'd make it to your tenth birthday. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I don't think I ever could have been.
I find myself writing messages to you, wondering what they even achieve. Perhaps it's because I have so much love for you and nowhere to put it anymore. Perhaps it's because some part of me hopes that, wherever you are, you can somehow hear me.
I hope you hear me telling you how sorry I am and how deeply you were loved.
I worry about your sister constantly, my boy. Seeing her struggle without you breaks my heart, and I can't help feeling responsible for the emptiness you've left behind. I don't want to leave her alone.
I don't know how to navigate life without you or how to stop replaying the past, wishing I could change things. I miss you more than words can explain.
I loved you every single day of your beautiful life, and I will love you for every single day of mine.
If love alone could have kept you here, my precious boy, you would have lived forever. 💛🐰🌻