08/02/2026
He has been on that sprinkler for 47 minutes. He is not a dog. He is a water bill with fur."
It started innocently.
I turned the sprinklers on to water the lawn. Normal thing. Normal Tuesday.
Buddy was inside. I was inside. Everything was fine.
I don't know how he got out. I don't know which door. I don't know how long the investigation will take. What I know is that at some point between me sitting down with my iced tea and me standing up to get a refill β Buddy discovered the sprinkler.
And fell in love.
By the time I found him he had been out there for forty minutes. FORTY. He was completely unrecognizable. Just a wet golden blob spinning in circles biting at water that does not exist as a solid object and cannot be caught, a fact that Buddy refused to accept and continues to refuse to accept to this day.
I tried to turn it off. He sat on it.
I want to be very clear. He looked me in the eyes and he sat directly on the sprinkler head like a hen on an egg and the water just sprayed out the sides onto my shoes.
My shoes. My good shoes. My Tuesday shoes.
I stood there for a long moment thinking about the choices that led me here. The choice to get a dog. The choice to install sprinklers. The choice to get a dog who would one day sit on the sprinklers.
We have a $340 water bill this month.
Buddy is currently damp and asleep on the couch that I told him he is not allowed on.
I don't enforce it anymore. I don't enforce anything anymore. He has broken me completely and I have never been happier.
π Drop a π if your dog owns you now. Share this with someone sweating through a hot summer who needs a laugh and a warning to check where their dog is before turning on the sprinklers.