05/29/2026
If you are looking at this and yelling, "YES, IT IS MY FAULT", I want you to keep reading.
I have written letters TO J, but I never get one FROM him. I started thinking about what a letter from J to me might contain. Of course, I can't really know, but if I use my working knowledge of his thinking and our relationship, it might read something like this.
Dear Mom,
I'm sorry. You know I didn't think life was all it was cracked up to be. You remember that I often told you that I wouldn't ever get old.
But you also know how hard I tried to stay. You remember my dark days and the heavy sadness that paralyzed me. You remember that I used to frequent su***de Internet sites, but you also remember that I promised never to do anything to take me away from you, from my baby and my girl. Although I had some pretty awful periods in my life, they were usually followed by better times. It seemed like I was having more good days and fewer bad ones. I loved the house we bought and the life we were building. I loved watching you play with my baby - he loved it when you came in the room. There were good reasons for me to keep living.
There were always "buts" in my life. Good days, but also overwhelmingly bad ones. That day was the worst. We had such a good day on Friday and I'm grateful that you and dad came to help me get our yard ready for the pool party. It was just the best day.
BUT on Sunday, I started out by making a couple of disastrous decisions that triggered actions that seemed insurmountable to me. I'd been trying so hard, BUT as usual, I messed up. I know you would have said there was a way out BUT I couldn't see it. My life was going to be over. On that day, I just threw away everything that was dear to me. I had to do something.
Looking back, I see that there were other ways. I was wrong. I'm missing my baby's life. I can't be with him, I can't help him grow up. I can't influence his decisions or encourage him.
I only thought that you would be better off without me - I didn't think about you missing me. If M blamed herself, it wasn't her fault. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. If you and Dad ever felt guilty, it wasn't your fault. You stuck with me through thick and thin. You didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't even know until the last minute. It wasn't planned.
You couldn't have stopped me.
You couldn't have known this would happen.
You couldn't prevent what you couldn't predict.
If your love could have saved me, I would have lived forever.
No one could read my mind, no matter how much they loved me.
I didn't let you know how I was feeling most of the time. I was good at acting. You couldn't have known my thoughts.
Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. Give my son a hug from me and tell him how much I love him. I hope he gets to know something about me. Tell him I am so sorry.
I love you,
J
