09/09/2026
STATEMENT FROM THE DESK OF CARTER MILES DEVEREAUX:
At approximately 8:17 this evening, I was peacefully walking across MY bed in MY home when my foot made brief, accidental contact with my motherโs allegedly โseverely sunburnedโ foot.
She immediately released a bloodcurdling scream.
I was terrified.
Confused.
Shaken to my core.
Naturally, I looked at her like she had lost her entire damn mind because, quite frankly, that seemed like the most reasonable explanation.
Moments later, without an investigation, a hearing, or so much as an opportunity to retain counsel, I was informed that โtrust has been brokenโ and I would be spending the night in the crate.
THE CRATE.
I have slept beside this woman. I have protected her from delivery drivers. I have followed her to the bathroom when absolutely no assistance was requested. I have devoted my entire life to ensuring that she never experiences a single moment of privacy.
And this is how I am repaid.
One misplaced paw.
One.
Now I am a convicted felon.
I maintain that the foot was negligently placed in my walking path and intend to vigorously defend myself against these allegations.
My attorneys are currently exploring all available remedies, including reinstatement of bed privileges, compensation for emotional distress, and approximately 14 pounds of shredded cheddar.
Until then, I ask that you respect my privacy as I begin serving this cruel and unusual sentence.
History will vindicate me.
โ Carter Miles Devereaux
Political prisoner.
Victim of an unjust system.
Good boy.
