10/23/2021
Fight for us so we can fight for you. It's not up to you what life does to you, but it's up to all of us to choose what happens afterwards. Those choices resemble who we are. And in many ways, we can't choose who we are.
“This was nowhere near the bloodiest or sickest trauma I’ve ever seen, but it left me with a lingering question.
Paramedics rushed in with the patient, hemorrhaging from multiple sites - some briskly and others not so much. He was altered and barely protecting his airway. Blood was spraying from the right side of the neck and there were multiple penetrating wounds to the chest. It was myself, a trauma surgeon, and a small team of some of the best nurses and techs I’ve ever had the honor of working with.
Time was short and we had to act quickly. The team jumped into their assigned tasks and we got to work. Pressure on the neck to control hemorrhage. Large bore peripherals running blood via the level 1. Intubation with video laryngoscopy to reduce neck manipulation, with a direct back-up in case it was too bloody. A quick FAST w/ special attention to the pericardial space to rule-out tamponade. Bilateral chest tubes w/ bloody output, then quickly packaged up and rushed straight to the OR.
It was swift and chaotic, but controlled. In the moment I felt nothing. I was in robot mode, fixing what was broken. Emotion had no place in that space and time. Accepting that a life was quickly slipping away before me or thinking about his loved ones would only cloud my judgement and add to the immense stress that moments like these inherently carry.
Once the patient was up in the OR and I ripped off that blood-soaked gown and gloves those feelings I pushed aside hit me all at once. It was brief, because I didn’t have much time to process before attending to my other patients, but it was a strong rush of emotion followed by a question I don’t know the answer to.
𝗜𝘀 𝗶𝘁 𝗢𝗞? Am I wrong for briefly pushing aside and pausing a patient’s humanity in efforts to maintain a clear and focused mind during moments like this? Is it terrible that I approach these situations as a mechanic would a broken vehicle? Is my ability to care so immensely one second, and shut it all off another a superpower or am I broken inside?
I don’t know. But if it’s going to help my patients make it home to their loved ones then I suppose I’ll stay as is, however firm or fractured that may be.”
By .onury