08/30/2026
There's something so powerful about having a "hard conversation" with a horse. About bringing up something for them that challenges a belief they've held for their whole life, or something that scares them. Having a container in which hard conversations can happen freely, without the horse or human having to fear for their lives, is what sets this type of training apart from others.
Safety is not the same thing as avoiding discomfort, activation, or conflict forever. A relationship that can only function while everyone is calm is not actually prepared for real life, nor is it giving either party enough credit.
I do not believe in keeping horses under threshold always. I don't think this is beneficial for them, nor do I think it's responsible or sets them up for success. Because, as we all know, they are horses. They will spook at something, they will scare themselves when they believe a horse-eating troll is hiding behind that tree. And they will, undoubtedly, go over threshold.
And when they do, if you have not trained your own nervous system on how to handle yourself around a horse over threshold, you will also go over threshold.
And when you go over threshold, you will speak to your horse in a way that makes no sense to them. You will be in your sympathetic nervous system; you will be operating in fight or flight, and you will make big corrections and do big things with your body without control of your emotions.
And when you do this, your horse will have absolutely zero idea how to react. They might be terrified of you suddenly, because you got bigger than you've ever gotten with them and reacted from a place of fear or anger. They may resent you, because they assume that you are angry at them for something they did not believe they had control over. They may fight back, simply because they think you are attacking them.
There are countless combinations of what might occur, if suddenly on a Tuesday, you and your horse go over threshold together in a parking lot when neither of you have any practice in speaking to each other in a heightened state.
This is why it's crucial that we work with our horses in all kinds of situations, nervous system states, environments, etc. This is why it's imperative that, when they begin to go over threshold, we sit in that space with them and help them find their way through it, instead of immediately backing out and dropping them back down below threshold.
Your nervous system will not be able to learn how to stay regulated in the face of a panicking 1200-pound animal until you practice. And, as we all know, you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others. If you cannot regulate yourself, your horse will not be able to trust your guidance or your training, and you will both be stuck in a cycle of avoiding hard conversations and staying below threshold because it's too scary for both of you when s**t hits the fan.
So, how do you do it?
You create scenarios in which you know your horse will up-regulate, and you do so in a space where you can feel safe, supported, and held. I am not saying to terrorize your horse and send them into a full-fledged panic state. You need manageable activation. Choose a mid-level trigger. The horse still gets to communicate, and you still listen. The difference is that communication does not automatically mean you make the hard thing disappear. A set of eyes observing and helping to coach you through it is wildly helpful. You hold your ground, you set your boundaries, and you help teach your horse what it feels like when:
1. Your nervous system gets up-regulated, too.
2. Your intention changes from "please can you do this" to "I need this from you right now."
3. Your boundaries, voice, and body language gets louder, not from a place of anger/fear, but from a place of "What you are doing does not work for me, and I need you to hear me."
Spoiler alert: You will not be perfect at this when you first start. Take it from someone who has gone into full fight/flight mode in front of a horse and acted from a place of frustration, fear, etc. You will be triggered and likely will go over threshold yourself, which is why it's crucial to do this in a setting where you can bail yourself out if needed and tag in a friend while you breathe and re-regulate.
I remember as a child the feeling I would get in my body when my mom would use her "mom voice" and tell me to stop moving when we were out for a walk in the neighborhood. In that moment, I did not fear that my mother was going to kill me, but I sure as hell stopped in my tracks and looked at her for guidance because I knew something was not right.
THIS is what your horse can learn to do in moments of up-regulation, panic, fear, etc. They can learn that your intention getting bigger, your voice getting louder, and maybe even your physical cues getting stronger does not mean they need to fear for their lives, but instead means they need to stop and look at you for guidance.
They will never learn this if you don't practice it. They will never learn that you can indeed save them from themselves when they hit the panic button if you avoid the hard conversations. YOU will never learn that you can save them from themselves if you avoid it, either. They cannot learn how to communicate with you through activation if the two of you never practice communicating through activation.
The goal is not to teach the horse to tolerate being terrified. The goal is to teach both nervous systems that activation does not have to mean the loss of communication, relationship, or safety. Nor does it mean that there is something wrong or that they are being bad. It's simply a part of life.
Escalation is not the enemy. Being incapable of controlling your own emotions, regulating your own nervous system, and trusting yourself and your abilities is, though. And choosing to avoid the hard stuff and never teaching your horse how to handle a big change in intention, a louder aid or a reasonable demand is robbing you both of a relationship in which you can navigate the human world together.
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. 🫶🏻
