10/03/2026
Saturday night means board game night, so Pete and Sophie were round and everyone was in the dining room
when I arrived home with a little something I’d acquired on my travels.
I walked into the room meowed
Everyone looked at me.
Pete squinted, “Is that my TIE?”
Oh awkward, I stood there with a perfectly good tie hanging from my gummy little mouth
while the man I’d stolen it from stared directly at the evidence.
Sophie started laughing, “Felix Where did you get that?!”
Pete looked genuinely baffled, “That was in our HOUSE!”
Yes Peter, I’m aware of where I found it.
Sophie looked at him, “How the hell did he even get in the house, no windows are open?”
Please I’ve been breaking into that house since before you and Sophie moved in.
You’re not homeowners, you’re the current occupants of one of my properties.
Pete took his tie back and inspected it.
It was slightly damp.
All right, VERY damp.
Missing front fangs, everything travels economy in the gums.
Sophie was crying laughing, “He’s actually burgled our house while we’re sitting here!”
Burgled is such an ugly word Sophie.
I prefer neighbourhood redistribution.
With my delivery successfully completed, I jumped onto the table to inspect game night.
Instant panic.
“FELIX!”
“MOVE THE PIECES!”
“GET HIM OFF!”
Bloody hell, you’d think Godzilla had arrived at Legoland.
Dad lunged for me, Pete started scooping game pieces out of my path and Mother tried blocking me with the box lid.
Naturally I walked straight through the middle of everything.
BAP
One piece went over
Someone gasped
Honestly, these people cope terribly under pressure.
Mum finally pointed at the floor, “Felix DOWN”
Fine.
But before leaving, I turned around, raised my tail and silently deployed a small parting gift.
Then I jumped down and wandered into the kitchen.
Nobody noticed for about five seconds.
Mother suddenly stopped talking.
Her nose twitched.
Then she BURST out laughing.
“Oh my cod, he’s left us a farting gift before he left!”
Sophie’s face dropped, “THAT WAS FELIX?!”
Pete looked at her, “What do you mean?”
Sophie was already howling, “I thought it was YOU, I kicked you under the table!”
Pete stared at her, “THAT’S why you kicked me?!”
Oh sweet cheesus.
I’d been gone ten seconds and my arse had already caused marital unrest.
Dad was laughing, Mum had her jumper over her nose and Pete was rubbing his shin while Sophie tried to apologise without being able to breathe.
From the kitchen I heard Pete shout, “He stole my tie AND got me assaulted!”
Bit dramatic Peter.
I returned your tie, provided the evening’s entertainment and tested the strength of your relationship.
Frankly, that’s excellent value for one fart.
Hahaha
