09/09/2026
It’s not girl math, it’s breeder economics 😂
😂 I AIN’T KEEPING NO DAMN PUPPY
Every. Damn. Litter.
You stand there with the confidence of a Baptist preacher on Sunday morning and announce:
“I AIN’T KEEPING NOTHING.”
You have enough dogs.
You don’t need another dog.
Everybody is leaving.
And THIS TIME YOU MEAN IT.
Your husband doesn’t even look up anymore.
That man knows there ain’t no sense arguing with somebody who’s already lying to herself.
😂😂😂
Then the puppies are born.
Cute. Healthy. Perfect.
BYE.
You’re emotionally detached.
You’re a seasoned breeder. You know better.
You are strong.
You are wise.
You are—
Well… look at that little one’s head.
SHUT UP.
🤣🤣🤣
A few weeks later, you are NOT keeping it.
You are evaluating it.
Structure. Temperament. Movement. Balance.
This is SCIENCE.
Then somebody asks about that puppy and suddenly you’re clutching it to your chest like they just asked for one of your kidneys.
“Wellllll… I’m not sure about THIS one yet.”
There it is.
The first symptom.
😂
Then it gets a name.
Don’t start.
It needed a name for identification purposes.
You expect to holler “HEY, PUPPY NUMBER FOUR!” across the yard?
The collar you ordered means nothing.
🤣🤣🤣
Then comes:
“Honey, come look at this puppy.”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”
“You’re keeping it.”
“I AM NOT.”
“Then why do I need to look at it?”
“LOOK AT THAT FRONT!”
“WE HAVE DOGS.”
Well, sir…
we have ONE LESS than we’d have if I kept two.
That’s called financial responsibility.
😂😂😂
And technically, keeping it actually SAVES money.
If you let it go, three years from now you might need something from this line. Then you’d have to bring another dog in.
Therefore, keeping this puppy prevents a future purchase.
THIS PUPPY IS BASICALLY A COUPON.
Husbands do not respect breeder economics.
🤣🤣🤣
Then the puppy hits that ugly stage.
At eight weeks:
OH MY LORD, LOOK AT THAT DOG.
At twelve weeks:
What in the Appalachian hell happened to you?
Yesterday it had a neck.
Today it’s built like a biscuit.
Its legs grew overnight, its butt is six inches higher than its head, and one ear appears to have entered a different zip code.
You’re staring at it like an old farmer examining a questionable tomato plant.
“It’ll come back.”
Your husband walks by.
“That thing looks weird.”
DON’T YOU SPEAK THAT OVER MY PUPPY.
…
My puppy?
DAMMIT.
😂😂😂
But technically, you’re still considering other plans for it.
You just haven’t been very enthusiastic about those plans.
At this point Jesus Himself could show up with a fenced yard, veterinary references and a paid-off mortgage…
and you’d still say:
“Let me think about it.”
Honey, we all know where this is headed.
🤣🤣🤣
Then four months later, you stroll onto Facebook like there aren’t witnesses:
✨ BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! ✨
We are thrilled to introduce the newest member of EverCrest…
EVERCREST’S I SWEAR TO GOD I WASN’T KEEPING THIS ONE
Call name:
“Oops.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
And here comes some smart-ass:
“Thought you weren’t keeping one?”
I wasn’t.
Circumstances changed.
There were developments.
New evidence came to light.
MIND YOUR BUSINESS, TAMMY.
😂😂😂
And don’t EVER ask a breeder:
“How many dogs do you have now?”
That’s tacky.
You wouldn’t walk into somebody’s house and ask how many forks they own.
If everybody is fed, loved and accounted for, THE NUMBER IS BETWEEN YOU, YOUR HUSBAND AND THE LORD.
And your husband ain’t completely sure either.
That’s best for a marriage.
🤣🤣🤣
So next litter, you’ll put your hand on your hip and swear:
“I’M SERIOUS THIS TIME. I AIN’T KEEPING A DAMN THING.”
Your husband will keep watching TV.
Your friends will start taking bets.
The other dogs will scoot over.
Amazon will notice you ordered another puppy collar.
And somewhere in Heaven, the Lord will lean over and say:
“Y’all watch this sh*t.”
Because when a breeder says,
“I’m just holding this one back a little longer to evaluate it…”
Honey…
that puppy already lives there.
You just ain’t told your husband yet.
🤣🤣🤣🐾
📸 Photo credit: Striker — who, for the record, really IS supposed to be looking for his next adventure and NOT becoming another chapter in this autobiography. 😂 So if you’ve had your eye on this handsome little fool, you might want to speak up before I start saying things like “I’m just gonna evaluate him a little longer…”
Because we ALL just read how that turns out. 🤦♀️😂🐾
