04/13/2026
From "He's Friendly"
Encounters of the Face Plant Variety
A field guide to the owners who think leash laws are "suggestions”.
Ah yes, the Hall of Shame: Encounters of the Face Plant Variety—a prestigious, entirely unofficial exhibition dedicated to those visionary dog owners who believe leash laws are merely whimsical social constructs, like tipping at buffets or wearing pants in public.
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, and behold the proud specimens who stride into dog parks (or worse, busy sidewalks, crowded farmers markets, or the aisle of Whole Foods) with the confidence of a man who’s never once Googled “rabies symptoms.” Their dogs? Oh, they’re not mere pets—no, they are forces of nature. Unleashed, unrepentant, and utterly convinced they're the star of a rom-com where every human is a potential co-star.
Here we have Exhibit A: The Oblivious Optimist. This golden specimen genuinely believes their 80-pound Labrador, Buster, “just loves people!” as he sprints toward toddlers like a furry freight train. When Buster knocks over a stroller like a sack of potatoes at a potato-sack race, The Oblivious Optimist gasps, “Oh! He’s just playing!” as if “playing” involves full-body tackles and a disturbing lack of consent. They’ll tell you, with a straight face, “He’s never bitten anyone… out of anger!” A true connoisseur of the near-miss.
Next, we have Exhibit B: The Alpha Human. This is the owner who wears cargo shorts with built-in dog treats and believes their Chihuahua’s incessant yapping is “asserting dominance.” They refer to their pint-sized terror as “a protector,” which is adorable, really—like watching a garden gnome threaten a bear. When their dog lunges at a jogger and ends up airborne (thanks to physics finally stepping in), The Alpha Human declares, “He’s just greeting!” and beams with pride, as if their dog’s face plant into a bush was an interpretive dance about boundaries.
Let us not forget Exhibit C: The Leash Law Linguist. This intellectual argues that local ordinances “don’t apply in spirit,” citing “emotional connection” and “doggy freedom” as legal defenses. They carry a retractable leash that somehow retracts into the Twilight Zone, allowing their unleashed Saint Bernard to herd ducks in a public pond. When confronted, they whisper, “You just don’t understand the deep bond we share,” before their dog takes a personal interest in your shoelaces.
And then—oh, sweet mercy—there’s Exhibit D: The Denier. “My dog is perfectly trained!” they insist, moments before said “trained” beast scales a neighbor’s fence to initiate what can only be described as a hostile mating negotiation with a startled poodle. When you point out the leash law, they scoff, “Well, your dog should’ve been ready for social interaction!” Because clearly, blame flows uphill, like a confused goat.
So welcome, brave citizens of civilization, to the Hall of Shame—a place where common sense goes to nap, and face plants happen with alarming regularity. May your leashes remain strong, your dogs slightly less feral, and your dignity intact. And to the owners? Please. For the love of all that is holy and sidewalk-safe… just clip the leash. The rest of us aren’t extras in your dog’s action movie. We’re just trying to buy avocados without being body-slammed by a “friendly” husky named Thor.
by Jamie Robinson is a riotously funny, no-holds-barred exposé on the chaos of dog encounters gone wrong. Drawing from real-life face-plants, desert drag races, and sidewalk skirmishes, Robinson—a certified dog behavior consultant—delivers a satirical smackdown on misguided training philosophie...
