06/07/2026
VAN ORDEN DECLARES WAR ON "PRIDE COWS" AFTER DAIRY BREAKFAST ENDS IN WHAT WITNESSES CALL A "TOTAL GASTROINTESTINAL SURRENDER"
EAU CLAIRE — Congressman Derrick "Von Order!" Van Orden reportedly launched a full-scale investigation into what he described as the "Gay Cow Pride Agenda" Saturday after attending a June Dairy Month breakfast at Prairie View Family Farm outside Eau Claire.
The annual breakfast, attended by hundreds of local residents, was intended to celebrate Wisconsin's dairy industry with pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage, cheese, milk, and family-friendly farm activities.
Instead, attendees witnessed what many are now calling the most dramatic dairy-related political incident in Wisconsin history.
According to campaign staff, Van Orden arrived shortly after 7:00 a.m. determined to prove his commitment to Wisconsin farmers.
Sources say the Congressman unveiled what he called the "Dairy Freedom Challenge," a personal mission to demonstrate his superior Wisconsinality by consuming more dairy than any elected official in attendance.
Witnesses report the challenge began with four glasses of whole milk before breakfast had even started.
"At first we thought he was joking," said local resident Kyle Henschel.
"He wasn't."
The challenge continued with additional milk, multiple servings of cheese curds, several slices of cheddar, and what one witness described as "an alarming amount of dairy for a man his age."
Several campaign aides reportedly attempted to intervene.
One aide was overheard reminding the Congressman that he is lactose intolerant.
Van Orden allegedly waved off the warning.
"I didn't serve this country so almond milk could win," he reportedly replied before requesting another glass.
Things remained relatively normal until approximately 8:15 a.m., when Van Orden noticed a Holstein wearing a rainbow-colored identification tag.
Witnesses say the Congressman immediately stopped chewing and stared at the animal for nearly thirty seconds.
"My God," he reportedly whispered.
"They got to the cows."
Farm owner Randy Schmitt attempted to explain that cattle identification tags are available in many colors and are used for basic livestock management.
Van Orden reportedly demanded to know exactly how many colors were available.
When informed that the farm used red, blue, green, yellow, orange, and purple tags, the Congressman became visibly concerned.
"Interesting," he reportedly replied while taking notes.
According to witnesses, the Congressman spent the next twenty minutes questioning dairy farmers about what he called "the growing influence of Pride Month on Wisconsin livestock."
Meanwhile, breakfast volunteers continued serving pancakes to increasingly confused attendees.
Things escalated further when Van Orden spotted several calves sitting near a circular feed bunker.
Apparently mistaking the structure for a government rotunda, the Congressman immediately marched toward the animals.
"This is not an appropriate use of the rotunda!" he reportedly shouted.
Witnesses say the calves remained seated.
The calves then continued being calves.
A nearby 4-H student attempted to explain that the structure was used for feed storage and was not, in fact, a government building.
The explanation reportedly failed to calm the Congressman.
"He kept asking why the rotunda was full of cows," said one witness.
By this point, however, many attendees noticed that Van Orden appeared to be engaged in a second and increasingly urgent battle.
Witnesses described excessive sweating, shortened conversations, rapid pacing, and repeated visual inspections of the portable restroom area.
"He looked like a man trying to solve multiple crises at the same time," said breakfast volunteer Jenny Larson.
Despite obvious signs of distress, the Congressman reportedly continued consuming milk.
Witnesses estimate he consumed between eight and ten glasses during the event.
"I will not be defeated by a cow," Van Orden reportedly declared before finishing another cup.
Nobody was entirely certain which cow he was referring to.
Campaign staff eventually attempted to end the Dairy Freedom Challenge, but the Congressman reportedly insisted on holding a press conference.
Standing before several bewildered Holsteins, Van Orden announced plans to establish a new federal agency called the Department of Bovine Traditional Values.
The proposed agency would investigate rainbow ear tags, suspiciously colorful livestock accessories, and what he described as "the weaponization of lactose."
When reporters asked whether his concerns might be related to the gallon of milk he had consumed despite being lactose intolerant, witnesses say the Congressman abruptly ended the press conference.
He was then observed walking at an unusually brisk pace toward the portable toilets.
Several attendees described the movement as "purposeful."
As of press time, Prairie View Family Farm had returned to normal operations.
The calves remain seated.
The rainbow ear tags remain in service.
And local dairy farmers remain confused about how a quiet June Dairy Breakfast somehow became the opening battle in what Van Orden is now calling "The War on Pride Cows."
The Holsteins declined requests for comment.
However, one cow identified only as Bessie reportedly issued the following statement:
"Moo."
The Merrill Daily Harold was unable to independently verify the claim.
