01/27/2026
It got me yesterday.... I saw it, the beast....
1 year yesterday- it's been a year since the accident, since the day our lives changed. It changed the way we live, the way I walk... it cost me part of my living, it traumatized myself, my wife and even those around me that weren't there and didn't see it happen. It could be worse though. That's what i tell myself. And it sure could be. No one died, I'm not this I'm not that, I'm able to walk, I'm able to do the things I love but, it's my trauma. It's the things I feel. It's the worst for me.
I wish the trauma would leave.... but it doesn't. Anyone who's been through something traumatic will understand. The trauma, it waits in hiding then rears its head like an ugly beast from a horror flick. It takes over and you feel so...out of control. In that moment you don't even recognize yourself. You thought it was gone... you thought you were better. Other times it's like a glitch in the system.... reminding me of the movie the matrix. See trauma never leaves. You just learn how to handle it. You start to recognize the triggers, you feel the alarms sounding in your body. You are able to stay in reality and mind talk your way through it. By this time most people don't know it's happening.... maybe your spouse or good friend can see it. They see the look that fleets across your face. They see the quick change that comes over your face. I'm my case it's most likely a quick flash of fear in my eyes, a small hesitation in the moment....but most won't even notice. You've got a handle on it. That's really what you aim for.... more glitches and less beast sightings.
Today I saw the beast. The snow..... it's beautiful. It's one of my favorite times with my horses as it means I get to pull the kids in the small sled we have around our property. I get to ride through the field like in the dreams I had as a kid growing up in Florida that never had snow. But then I saw it. The flashbacks of the fall, the possibility of it happening, the thoughts of all the consequences of another accident. My heart sank, my sigh was audible and my brain said, not today. It's only been a year Steph, it's okay, eventually it will just be a glitch in the system.