01/01/2021
Today I accept that my doors are closed for good. Definitely not my designed end. I am sure many have seen my rants. I apologize, you are seeing a side that is angry, calling foulplay and probably embarrassing my family. I have been praying, praying hard, God and I talk all day! I pray for this nation, this world. The Holy Spirit and I have been wrangling for sure! And what He keeps telling me is to be thankful! It is through these lessens we learn through trials. It through these trials we learn to reach out and love one another. His greatest Commandment. You see I grew up not knowing where I really belonged, why couldn't I have what others have. Stability. You, this community, this business made me feel I belonged. Thank You! You became my friends and my biggest dream fulfilled.....all the dogs and cats I could ever want! Those happy to see me wagging tails made me smile on days I didn't want to. Throughout this closing, I won't deny I am struggling with anger, depression and thankfulness, why me? Why couldn't I have retired the way I was planning. However I have food and through the blessings and success of my children I am okay.
I have learned of the suffering of others and to wake up to there is no more "why me?" But, Why us?. We have all lost in this war. So with that I need to learn to be thankful this year. To know God is telling me I have a purpose, my time here in this place is done. For it is in the ashes that we rise.
My greatest lesson was from someone that also learned a great lesson and whose dreams were crushed. or so I thought. My son Jacob, the opera star whom was told he had a gift from God in his voice. While that was a risky pursuit (performing) with a lot of ifs we supported him. Jacob got a big jolt during the pandemic and lost his way. Questioning life itself. I was desperate to help him and show him he had a purpose. I searched for answers and came upon Americorps. I wasn't sure he would accept this. However he has said all he wants to do is help people or animals and see the world. Now this is not easy. He would be giving up relentless hours on gaming. He will be paid 180.00 every two weeks. He will have an 8.00? a day for food. He will live in a run down house, barracks, outdoors. He will miss holidays with us. That was alot to take on and I prayed he would embrace this and find his way and his purpose. He has so far put a roof on a house in snow. building a fence for a jewish home for kids to house their animals. He has sheetrocked, painted and repaired a home and more. Jacob called me last night and said "Mom, Im the happiest I have ever been." Please don't think I don't love ya'll but I really like being on my own. Ok, so I think...This kid that had what some kids only dream of, has found he was not happy with what I gave him. He is finding greater joy in life helping others! Thank you Jesus, my son has found his purpose! Definitely not what I envisioned a year ago.
My daughter finally after so many disappointments has a family. I have a grandson! That makes me laugh more than anyone! Our bond is closer as a family because of him. My prayers were heard.
So as 2021 begins, I will stop asking why me, instead I will know I have another purpose now. I will be thankful with the wonderful memories you all gave me. I will learn to smell the flowers again! Above all be thankful for what I have and listen when God calls.
My site will be taken down soon, so this is the last looooong post. Thanks so much for the calls, the cards, the text and posts. You really do know how to make a girl feel special. Forever, lovingly in my thoughts...Debbie