10/07/2026
Written by my friend Wesley Wnek
A fun “must read”
10 Reasons You Should Absolutely NOT Get a Giant Schnauzer
Thinking about getting a Giant Schnauzer?
Don’t.
Seriously. Save yourself.
Get a goldfish. A cactus. Maybe a nice decorative pillow.
Because a Giant Schnauzer is not really a dog. It’s a highly intelligent, heavily bearded management consultant who moves into your house, takes over operations, and eventually starts questioning your qualifications.
Here are 10 reasons you should absolutely NOT get one.
1. You will never be alone again.
Going to the kitchen?
They’re coming.
Going upstairs?
They’re coming.
Going to the bathroom?
Obviously they’re coming.
Closing the bathroom door only creates suspicion.
A Giant Schnauzer firmly believes that anything happening behind a closed door is either dangerous, illegal, or possibly involves cheese.
2. They are incredibly nosy.
Every bag must be inspected.
Every box must be opened.
Every visitor must be interviewed.
Every strange sound requires an immediate investigation.
If the neighbor three houses down sneezes at 2:14 a.m., your Giant Schnauzer would like to know why.
They don’t live in your household.
They run Homeland Security for it.
3. Personal space becomes a distant memory.
A Giant Schnauzer does not understand why you need three feet of personal space when three inches would work perfectly well.
And if they could physically sit on your head, they probably would.
Not because they’re needy.
Because your head offers an excellent observation platform.
4. They require exercise. Lots of it.
You walked three miles?
Congratulations.
You are tired.
Your Giant Schnauzer is now warmed up.
While you’re lying on the couch questioning your cardiovascular health, your dog is standing over you holding a ball and saying with its eyes:
“So… what are we doing now?”
5. They are frighteningly intelligent.
This sounds wonderful until you actually live with one.
A less intelligent dog thinks:
“Humans make the rules.”
A Giant Schnauzer thinks:
“Interesting. Let’s examine the legal basis for these rules.”
Tell them they’re not allowed on the couch and they won’t simply disobey.
They’ll wait.
Observe.
Collect data.
Determine exactly when enforcement is weakest.
Then establish a precedent.
Six months later, you’ll be sitting on the floor while the Giant Schnauzer sleeps comfortably on the couch.
6. Training is not optional.
Without good training, a Giant Schnauzer will train itself.
Unfortunately, the curriculum includes:
Advanced Counter Surfing.
Selective Hearing.
Human Manipulation.
Doorbell Response at Maximum Volume.
Strategic Sock Acquisition.
And a doctoral dissertation entitled:
How to Make Humans Give Me What I Want While Allowing Them to Believe It Was Their Idea.
7. They have opinions.
Strong ones.
You may technically be the owner, but the Giant Schnauzer considers this more of a partnership.
A partnership in which you provide the house, food, car, veterinary insurance, toys, treats, and retirement plan…
…while they handle executive decision-making.
8. They are excellent watchdogs. Possibly too excellent.
Someone walks past your house?
SECURITY ALERT.
Delivery driver?
SECURITY ALERT.
Squirrel?
EXTREME SECURITY ALERT.
Plastic bag blowing across the driveway?
CODE RED. EVERYONE TO BATTLE STATIONS.
But once they determine there is no actual danger, they will calmly return to sleep while you recover from the heart attack they just gave you.
9. They are stubborn.
Ask a Labrador to sit:
“ABSOLUTELY! I LOVE YOU!”
Ask a German Shepherd to sit:
“Understood.”
Ask a Giant Schnauzer to sit:
“Why?”
Ask again.
“I heard you.”
Ask a third time.
“I’m considering it.”
Eventually they sit.
But somehow you walk away feeling like you lost the argument.
10. They suffer from a serious misunderstanding regarding household hierarchy.
There’s an old joke that explains this perfectly.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a Giant Schnauzer arrive in Heaven.
God asks what good they did on Earth.
The German Shepherd says:
“I was a service dog. I cared for an elderly person, and one day I sacrificed my life saving my owner from an oncoming car.”
God says:
“You were brave and selfless. Sit at my left side.”
The Doberman says:
“I protected my family. When burglars broke into our home, I defended my owners and saved their lives, but I was shot.”
God says:
“You were loyal and courageous. Sit at my right side.”
Then God turns to the Giant Schnauzer.
The Giant Schnauzer looks at the German Shepherd.
Looks at the Doberman.
Looks at God.
Pauses.
And says:
“I think you’re sitting in my spot.”
That’s a Giant Schnauzer.
Stubborn.
Nosy.
Brilliant.
Fearless.
Suspicious.
Athletic.
Opinionated.
And absolutely convinced that your household would collapse without their leadership.
So no, I absolutely would NOT recommend getting a Giant Schnauzer.
Unless, of course, you enjoy having a magnificent bearded lunatic follow you everywhere, supervise every decision you make, argue about household policy, protect you from suspicious cardboard boxes, and love you with absolutely everything they have.
In that case…
You’re already doomed.
Welcome to the Giant Schnauzer club. 😂🐾
W.Wnek 🤪
