15/07/2026
We’re pleased to announce that we have created England's Canine 1st XI for the World Cup match tonight
And we've gone for the in-fashion English 4-4-1-1 formation:
Goalkeeper - Newfoundland.
Bred to pull people out of water and stay calm doing it. Nothing rattles a Newfoundland, which is exactly the temperament you want between the sticks in a semi final.
Right Back - Dalmatian.
Bred to run alongside carriages for miles without tiring. Built, quite literally, for relentless shuttling up and down a flank for 90 minutes.
Centre Back - Rottweiler. Naturally protective, reads danger early, doesn't love strangers getting close to what they're guarding. Textbook centre half temperament.
Centre Back - Bernese Mountain Dog.
The calm head next to the aggression. Steady, unbothered, rarely panics. Every good defensive pairing needs one dog who just quietly deals with things.
Left Back - Staffordshire Bull Terrier.
Small but relentless, all heart, punches well above its size. Exactly what you want scrapping for every ball down the line and getting straight back up again.
Central Midfield (Captain) - Labrador.
Does the unglamorous graft nobody notices and never complains about it. Every midfield needs a Labrador. Every team needs a Labrador, honestly.
Central Midfield - German Shepherd. Intelligent, versatile, box to box, covers every blade of grass and still has something left at the end. Does a bit of everything, brilliantly. A controversial foreign born choice, but currently in favour with the manager.
Right Wing - Whippet.
Low to the ground, explosive over ten yards, gone before you've registered they've moved. If Saka were a dog he's a whippet, no contest.
Attacking Midfield - Border Collie.
The cleverest dog in the business. Reads the game, spots the pass before anyone else has seen it, never stops working. The brain of the operation, pushed forward where it can do the most damage. Responds to the call of "Hey Jude"
Left Wing - Greyhound.
Pure, uncomplicated speed. Built for one job and one job only, and that job is being faster than everyone else on the pitch.
Striker - Springer Spaniel.
Relentless nose for where the ball's about to end up, never stops moving, always somehow in the right place. Can't teach that instinct, in spaniels or strikers.
Any breeds we’ve forgotten that are worthy of a place on the bench?
The Poodle?
The Chihuahua?
The JRT perhaps?
