11/10/2026
Tonight got me thinking
(please read until the end - sorry its so long š)
We home educate our children, and someone in a group had posted asking whether people limit screen time when unschooling and, if so, how.
I commented that weāve recently started putting a bit more structure in place. Once work is finished, he can have his iPad as a reward, but he can also use it to chill out and relax. Given the chance, heād happily sit on it all day, every day, and Iām sorry, but thatās just not something Iām willing to allow.
Anyway, the moderator commented that this was an authoritarian approach and didnāt fit with the unschooling philosophy, and that this wasnāt the place to offer that advice.
It wasnāt just what she said, but the way she said it. Her comments came across as really rude and dismissive, and it genuinely made me feel like a bad parent for simply sharing what works for our family.
Other people had commented with similar approaches but hadnāt received the same response.
Maybe it was because Iād mentioned using the iPad as a reward for completing work. Or maybe it was simply the fact that Iād mentioned work at all.
My son isn't bothered about certificates, stickers or any of the usual rewards. He loves gaming. So if using something he genuinely enjoys helps motivate him to get his work done, why should that automatically make my approach wrong?
If Iāve misunderstood the concept of unschooling, thatās absolutely fine. After all, this is very new to me. Iām always happy to learn and listen to other perspectives. But thereās a way of explaining something without making someone feel judged or belittled. She could have simply explained it nicely.
And it got me thinking about dog training.
We use rewards in dog training all the time, but what we find rewarding is completely individual.
One dog might work brilliantly for food, another might prefer a game of tug, and another might be far more motivated by the opportunity to go off and sniff something interesting.
We have to get to know the dog in front of us and work out what motivates them. We can't expect every dog to learn in the same way, using the same rewards and the same approach.
Does that mean every child should be motivated by rewards? No.
Does it mean every dog should be trained in exactly the same way? Absolutely not.
That's the point!
In dog training, there are different approaches, different philosophies and plenty of people who firmly believe their way is the right way. I see it all the time. People criticising others for the methods they use, often without knowing the dog, the circumstances or the reasons behind the choices being made.
I might not agree with the way someone trains their dog, and they might not agree with the way I do things. But that doesn't give either of us the right to be rude or disrespectful to the other.
We can have a discussion. We can share our views, explain why we do things differently, and agree to disagree. That's absolutely fine! But there's a difference between having a genuine discussion about training methods and criticising someone or making them feel rubbish because they don't share your beliefs.
Of course, there are welfare considerations and boundaries.
And that's where another whole discussion begins, because what one person considers harmful, another might not. Those conversations could go on forever!
But surely we can have those conversations without losing basic kindness and respect for one another?
We need to stop assuming that because something doesn't fit our own beliefs, it must be wrong.
The same applies to parenting, home education and dog training. We should be looking at the individual, understanding their needs and recognising that what works for one might not work for another.
I do wonder whether I've misunderstood the unschooling philosophy, and perhaps my approach doesn't fit with it. That's absolutely fine. But I should be able to ask questions, share my experience and learn without being made to feel like a bad parent.
I've since left the group, but the whole thing has reminded me how quick people can be to judge others when they don't share the same views.
You can respect someone else's philosophy without having to follow it yourself. And disagreement doesn't have to come with judgement. ā¤ļø
Whether we're talking about raising children or training dogs, we don't all have to agree. We don't all have to do things the same way, as long as we're keeping the wellbeing of the individual at the heart of what we do.
Sometimes we just need to listen, be a little more understanding and remember that there's a real person on the other side of the screen.
Just be nice. It's really not that much to ask. ā¤ļø
