11/10/2026
Dear Dog Tired Sale followers,
I’ve spent some time observing the dogs in the pack.
Standards have slipped. Ball ownership has become a contentious issue. Certain members of the team seem to believe that simply turning up constitutes a contribution.
I’ll be publishing my findings on specific members in the following slides. I do not hold back. So if you’re allergic to honesty, please carry on doom scrolling.
Confidentially yours,
Lola
Head of Absolutely Everything at Dog Tired Sale
07607 LOL-ALA
A word about my qualifications.
I have extensive experience supervising others, maintaining standards and identifying incompetence. I grew up in the Romanian mountains and know about discipline, hard work and catching fresh salmon.
I have never completed any formal training in management.
I consider this irrelevant.
Walnut
Longest serving pack member.
Asset st****er. Lost 291 balls in total. Contributed zero balls of his own.
Tries everything. Respects nothing. Interprets every boundary as a personal invitation to try again.
Lola’s verdict - Excellent at acquisition, questionable ethics. Someone needs to have a word and I think it’s going to be me.
Deeks
Second longest pack member.
One of the few dogs I tolerate. Knows his place near the bottom of the pack.
Has mistaken every walk for the most important event in recorded history. Volume levels remain a concern.
Lola’s verdict - An exhausting pack member. His excitement is understandable, but the lack of composure is embarrassing.
Chester
Will only sit in the front of the van for some reason.
Has strong opinions about how everyone else should behave. Has yet to demonstrate any interest in taking instructions.
Lola’s verdict - Promoted themselves. Nobody has worked out how to reverse it.
Eva
Always has a stick in her gob.Has decided to collect every stick. Cannot explain what the collection is for.
Participates when necessary. Avoids unnecessary pack meetings. Leaves the chaos to everyone else.
Lola’s verdict - One of the only members to actually appear to have multiple brain cells. But the stick hobby is weird.
Billy
Starts the game, escalates the game, then acts shocked when the game
