15/09/2026
This made me chuckle!
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/18HsHGQE7H/
Currently regretting life choices that we tailed with Angus over mating last year, although they're beautiful calves with a lot to like about the breed... initial teaching of them is a test of tired September patience. It goes a little bit like this....
How to Teach an Angus Calf to Drink from the Feeder
in 24 Simple Steps
Step 1: Show the Angus calf the feeder teat.
“Here it is.”
“DON’T TOUCH ME. I DO IT MYSELF.”
Step 2: Let him do it himself.
He stands perfectly still.
Then he sucks the wall.
“That’s the wall.”
“I KNOW.”
“The wall has no milk.”
“I SAID I’LL DO IT MYSELF.”
Step 3: Offer your finger.
He stares at it.
Sniffs it.
Turns his head away.
“Would you like to suck it?”
“NO.”
“You need to start sucking.”
“I’M THINKING ABOUT IT.”
Step 4: Wait.
And wait.
Put the finger in his mouth.
He removes it.
Put it back.
He considers your offer with all the urgency of someone who enjoys winding the clock down.
Step 5: Eventually, he gives one slow, suspicious suck.
Then another.
Then he pauses to think about it some more.
Step 6: Watch the exact moment his brain finally realises that he wants milk.
Full Panic Mode activates.
“MILK!”
“Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to—”
“I WANT MILK NOW!”
“The teat is—”
“WHERE IS IT?! SHOW IT TO ME!!! OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE OF STARVATION!!!"
Step 7: Watch him frantically suck the wall, the gate, the feeder, your sleeve, your knee and every other object containing absolutely no milk.
“It’s right here.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT!”
“You haven’t looked at the teat.”
“I’M LOOKING EVERYWHERE!”
Step 8: Give him your finger again.
“FINGER! DON’T LOSE IT THIS TIME!”
“You let go of it.”
“NO. YOU TOOK IT AWAY.”
Once he is sucking furiously, guide him towards the feeder teat.
Step 9: Let the teat touch his mouth for the first time.
Watch thirty five kilos of Angus react as though he has received an electric shock.
“WHAT WAS THAT?!”
“The teat.”
“WHY DID YOU PUT THAT THERE?!”
“That’s where the milk comes from.”
“I DIDN’T AGREE TO THAT!”
He ricochets backwards across the pen and comes to rest against the far wall.
Step 10: Walk to the back of the pen to retrieve him.
The Angus calf activates Plank Mode.
Four legs locked.
Neck rigid.
Jaw clenched.
“Come on. Back to the feeder.”
“NO.”
“You need to walk.”
“NO.”
“You managed to travel this distance backwards.”
“I’M NOT GOING FORWARDS.”
Step 11: Attempt to move him.
He switches instantly to Jellyfish Mode.
Every bone leaves his body.
A lrge lump of boneless Angus slides through your hands and puddles on the floor.
“You were a plank three seconds ago.”
“I’VE CHANGED MY MIND.”
Step 12: Return him to the feeder using a combination of lifting, shuffling, pleading and language unsuitable for an instructional guide.
Step 13: Wait for Full Panic Mode to reactivate.
“WHERE’S THE MILK?”
“In the teat.”
“WHERE’S THE FINGER?”
“Here.”
“WHY DO YOU KEEP HIDING EVERYTHING?”
Step 14: Hold the teat directly against his nose while he searches everywhere else.
“The teat is touching your face.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT!”
“It is literally on your nose.”
“STOP PRESSURING ME!”
Remain calm.
Step 15: Clarify his requirements.
“You want milk?”
“YES.”
“You want the teat?”
“NO.”
“You want the finger?”
YES. NO. MAYBE.”
“You want help?”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
“Then how will you drink?”
“I DO IT MYSELF.”
“But you don’t know how.”
“I KNOW. DON’T TOUCH ME.”
Step 16: Agree to his conditions.
He will cooperate only if he can stand on both your feet.
Preferably at once.
“Why?”
“BECAUSE I NEED TO.”
Step 17: Allow him to position one hoof on each boot.
“NOW DON"T MOVE.”
“I physically can’t.”
“GOOD. DON’T WRECK IT.”
Step 18: Guide his mouth towards the teat
Ignore the loss of circulation below your knees.
“I am helping you.”
“NO, I DO IT MYSELF.”
“I am holding your entire body in place.”
“I’M DOING IT MYSELF.”
Step 19: Get the teat into his mouth.
“I FOUND IT!”
“I put it in your mouth.”
“NO. I FOUND IT. NOW STOP TALKING.”
Step 20: Freeze.
Do not breathe.
Do not blink.
Do not celebrate.
Do not think too loudly.
Any suggestion that you are involved may cause him to stop on principle.
Step 21: Finally....finally....watch him drink from your semi crouched position, holding your breath and not moving a hair.
Milk is entering the calf.
Peace has been achieved.
“I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT MYSELF.”
“Yes, Angus.”
Step 22: Slowly reach for the Velcro collar.
Step 23: Undo it.
RRRIIIP.
The Angus calf ricochets backwards as though you have detonated an atomic bomb.
“YOU MADE A NOISE!”
“It was only the Velcro.”
“NOW I CAN’T DO IT!”
“You hadn’t finished.”
“YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!”
He charges to the back of the pen and activates plank mode.
Step 24: Return to Step 1.
“Come on, Angus. The feeder teat’s right here.”
“DON’T TOUCH ME. I DO IT MYSELF”
Picture - success at the feeder, finally! What you can't see in this picture is the hunched semi crouched positon I'm in, or that he has both front feet planted squarely on top of mine.
