10/05/2026
I âstoleâ this earlier today and it made me laughâŚ.i thought youâd enjoy it too!!
People always ask me:
âHow much money do you win at dog shows?â
Oh, sweet summer child. đđđ
I make exactly:
đ° ZERO DOLLARS
đŞ ZERO PENNIES
đľ ZERO CASH
đŚ ZERO CONTRIBUTIONS TO MY RETIREMENT
In fact, WINNING usually means Iâm now emotionally obligated to SPEND EVEN MORE MONEY. đ¤Ą
Letâs discuss the financial dumpster fire known as SHOWING DOGS.
First, we need the dogs. Not just any dogs.
⨠SHOW DOGS. ⨠Probably 3 to 6k each.
Everybody needs special food, supplements, grooming products, crates, beds, leads, collars and approximately 87 personal belongings.
Then we need ENTRY FEES. đ¸One dog? Fine. 40 bucks a show (7x40....)
Multiple dogs? HA...
Congratulations, you have just electronically transferred your grocery money directly into the atmosphere.
But WAIT.
The show is 6 hours away!
đĽ FIRE UP THE RV. đĽ
Nothing screams âeconomical hobbyâ quite like driving a HOUSE down the interstate while getting approximately three gallons to the continental United States. đâ˝đ
Fill the RV. Easily a Benjamin or two every 250 miles.
Fill the truck. That baby gets a whole 8mpg!!
Drive 2 hours and Fill it again because apparently we are towing the Pentagon.
Then we arrive.
RV hookup: đ¸Parking: đ¸Food: đ¸Dog food: đ¸Bottled Water cuz tap water won't do: đ¸Ice and Propane: đ¸
Random crap from Walmart because I forgot something: đ¸
Vendor tent purchases I absolutely DID NOT NEED: đ¸đ¸đ¸
Then comes GROOMING.
Why does my dog have shampoo that costs more than mine?!?! Chris?? Chris??
My shampoo: $2.99.
Dog shampoo:
⨠HANDCRAFTED IN THE SWISS ALPS BY MONKS USING ORGANIC UNICORN COLOSTRUM â $74.95 â¨
And naturally we need:
Brushes
Combs
Dryers
Tables
Sprays
Chalk
Towels
Cooling equipment
Fans
Extension cords
Crates
Crate pads
Grooming arms
Leads in 14 colors at 150 a pop cuz we love Kangaroo Leather
At this point I could groom a Clydesdale for the Westminster Kennel Club. đ´đ
NOW ITâS SHOWTIME.
I wake up at the witching hour, still dark and even the SUN says: âAbsolutely not.â đ
Iâm outside at 5 AM walking dogs in pajama pants, broken flip flops and no bra, while holding a flashlight and begging a my precious to p**p.
PLEASE P**P. đŠđđť
This dog stares at me like:
âI will p**p when the conditions are appropriate.â
YOUR RING TIME IS 8:00.
Then we bathe everybody, groom everybody, load everybody, unload everybody, find the ring, find the armband, find the bait, find the leadâŚ
WHERE IS MY CAFFEINE?! âď¸đľâđŤ
Then I put on nice clothes and pretend I havenât spent the previous 36 hours looking like a feral campground raccoon. đŚ
INTO THE RING WE GO.
The judge points at my dog.
đđđ WE WON!!!!! đđđ
Iâm losing my mind.I am crying, Friends are cheering. Someone is taking pictures.
And my dog is thrilled because someone has chicken.
And thenâŚ
THE PRIZE. â¨â¨â¨ A RIBBON. â¨â¨â¨
Thatâs right.
After spending enough money to purchase a respectable used HondaâŚ
I HAVE WON A PIECE OF FABRIC.
đđđđđ
No cash.No check.No direct deposit.
No giant novelty Gift Card.
Nobody pulls me aside and whispers:
âCongratulations. Here is $12,000.â
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Instead, I immediately spend MORE MONEY on the win photo. đ¸đ¸
Because if Iâm going bankrupt, I would at least like professional photographic documentation.
Then somebody says:
âOnly 7 more points until the championship!â
And suddenly Iâm on InfoDog like:
đď¸đđď¸
WHEREâS THE NEXT SHOW?
THAT ONE IS 9 HOURS AWAY?!
PERFECT.
PACK THE RV.đđ¨đ¨đ¨
This is how championships happen.
Not through talent alone. Oh no.
They are forged from:
đ Dedication
đś Beautiful dogs
đŞ Training
â¤ď¸ Love
â˝ 46,000 gallons of gasoline
đł Financial irresponsibility
â Caffeine
đŠ Strategic p**p schedules
đ Interstate highways
đ¸ Expensive photographs
đ´ Severe sleep deprivation
đ¸ And an absolutely breathtaking disregard for your bank balance.
Eventually your dog becomes:
â¨đ CHAMPION đâ¨
And you stare proudly at that title thinking:âWE DID IT.â
Then your bank account whispers:
âAt what cost, human?â
WE DO NOT DISCUSS THAT. đ¤Ť
Because dog-show math is different from regular math.
$200 dinner?
â Absolutely ridiculous.
$200 in dog-show entries?
â
Basically free.
$400 weekend getaway?
â We should save money.
$2,700 weekend chasing a major?
â
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
New purse?
âI really shouldn't.â
New Lead to match that one outfit?
ADD TO CART IMMEDIATELY.
đđłđĽ
And God forbid somebody says:
âYou know you could just have dogs as pets.â
GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. HOW DARE YOUđŞđđť
These are not merely pets.
These are beautiful, spoiled, expensive little athletes who travel the country eating premium food while I survive on gas-station coffee and whatever fell between the RV seats. đ
So when you see me holding a gorgeous ribbon beside my beautiful dog, just know:
đ The dog won.â¤ď¸ Iâm ridiculously proud.đ¸ We got the picture.đ° I earned ZERO PENNIES.đ¸ I probably spent several thousand dollars.đ The RV needs gas.đś Somebody needs to p**p.
đ And Iâve already entered the next show.
Because this isnât a hobby.
THIS IS AN OBSESSION
đśđđđłđĽđđ¸
And I will absolutely see you lunatics at ringside next weekend.
BRING CHICKEN. đđ¤Ł