09/01/2026
Here’s some lighter happy news!
Hank reached out with another amazing update for us 😁😁😁
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Okay… holy s**t, Breeder Mama. Buckle up, because apparently I’ve lived about six years of life in the last month and a half.
It’s me, Hank, your formerly innocent little puppy. I say formerly because I have now seen things. Horrible things. Things no puppy should ever have to see.
First of all, I think the cats are FINALLY starting to love me.
Well… some of them.
The terror cat still won’t let me even LOOK in her general direction without acting like I’ve personally ruined her life.
And then there’s Ferrah — you might remember her from my last update. She’s the completely bald one who looks like someone forgot to finish assembling her.
Well, apparently the assembly process is STILL on backorder.
We’re actually getting sort of close now, which I consider major progress. Unfortunately, she still screams every time I get too close. And when I say screams, I mean SCREAMS. Like a tiny naked woman being murdered.
Lady, CALM DOWN. I’m just trying to smell you.
I still don’t fully understand what she is. She has no fur, she’s warm to the touch, she’s wrinkly, and from certain angles she looks suspiciously like a raw chicken breast with legs.
Honestly, I’m starting to think Mom brought home groceries one day and forgot to put one of them in the fridge.
But I kind of like the weird little naked chicken now.
I just wish she’d shut the hell up.
Anyway.
On July 27th, Mom took me back to that vet place for what she claimed was my LAST VISIT FOR A WHOLE YEAR. I got my final puppy vaccinations, including rabies, and weighed in at a very handsome 57 pounds.
They told Mom I wouldn’t have to come back for a year.
LIARS.
Apparently, shortly afterward, I started rubbing my butt across the living-room carpet.
I personally thought I had invented a fantastic new way to travel.
Mom disagreed.
So back we went to the vet.
Do you know what those people did to me?!
THEY STUCK A FINGER IN MY BUTT.
Then they SQUEEZED something and this absolutely ungodly, cheesy, fishy, rotten-ass smelling fluid came shooting out of my bu****le.
Now, up until this moment, I thought Mom was pretty tough.
The vet asked her, “Can you hold him?”
Mom was basically like, “Absolutely. No problem.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Thirty seconds later, Mom RELEASED ME and started gagging.
Not cute little gagging either.
Full-body, eyes-watering, I’m-about-to-blow retching.
She looked exactly like I do after I eat seventeen pounds of grass and realize I have made a terrible mistake.
The little blonde girl was helping hold me and she was laughing so hard she was basically useless. Mom was trying desperately to escape the room for fresh air and somehow tripped over the blonde girl on her way out.
The vet was laughing.
The blonde girl was laughing.
Mom was dry-heaving.
And I just stood there like a MAN, with my violated bu****le, wondering what the hell was wrong with everybody.
So that was fun.
Then Mom bought me a bully stick.
Apparently you’re supposed to lie down, chew it slowly, relax and “savour it.”
That sounded incredibly inefficient.
So I SWALLOWED THE WHOLE DAMN THING.
Mom immediately lost her mind.
Next thing I know she’s on the phone with the same horrific veterinary establishment that assaulted my bu****le.
Then I heard her say “Hank.”
OH GOD.
I thought they were coming for my ass again.
Luckily, they told Mom she just needed to watch me closely for signs of an obstruction and that my stomach juices should hopefully break the bully stick down.
So for the next while Mom basically stared at me every time I ate, drank, slept, farted, pooped, blinked or breathed.
I survived.
Obviously.
Because I am resilient.
I also have a new best friend!
His name is Moose, and he’s a Golden Retriever. He comes over all the time and we absolutely tear around the yard chasing balls and sticks and generally making excellent life choices.We torment frogs.
We hunt grasshoppers.
And I even taught Moose that grasshoppers are SNACKS.
Mom keeps yelling, “HANK! DON’T EAT THOSE!”
So naturally I eat them faster.
I’ve also expanded my skill set into water sports.
The little blonde girl took me paddle boarding for the first time.
At first I thought, Wow. Look at me. Majestic Great Dane. Outdoorsman. Athlete. Adventurer.
Then the blonde girl JUMPED INTO THE WATER AND LEFT ME BEHIND.
Excuse me?!
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!
I panicked.
Things escalated quickly.
There was thrashing.
There was scrambling.
And somehow, in my efforts to save everyone from this obvious maritime disaster, I managed to tip over the paddle board AND the canoe.
The little blonde girl came swimming back pretty damn quickly after that.
GOOD THING they made me wear that stupid life jacket.
I thought it made me look ridiculous.
Turns out it was actually quite useful when Captain Blonde abandoned ship.
Moving on.
The other blonde girl who belongs to Mom got married in our backyard.
Apparently this wedding was a very big deal.
Everyone spent weeks decorating, cleaning, moving things, setting things up and yelling things like:
“HANK! NO!”
“HANK! DROP IT!”
“HANK! GET OUT OF THERE!”
and
“WHO LEFT THIS WHERE HANK COULD GET IT?!”
Personally, I thought I was an essential member of the decorating committee.
I sent you some pictures and videos of my work so you could see for yourself.
You’re welcome.
I think the wedding turned out beautifully, and I’m pretty sure it was because of me.
The stress apparently got to Mom, though, because she dyed her hair about THREE TIMES.
I would just like it officially documented that, for once, that had absolutely nothing to do with me.
There was also a little disagreement between Mom and Dad before the wedding.
Mom wanted new patio furniture.
Dad said, “We don’t need new patio furniture.”
Mom said she wanted it for the wedding.
Dad said he wasn’t spending $1,000 on patio furniture just for a wedding and they could buy it next year when they’d get to use it for the whole summer.
Mom was…
How do I put this delicately?
PI**ED.
So being the thoughtful, supportive gentleman that I am, I decided to take Mom’s side.
And I helped her out.
Let’s just say that after my involvement, Mom was able to go buy herself some lovely new patio furniture.
I know what you’re thinking.
Hank, you are such a good boy.
Please.
You’re embarrassing me.
I also got a brand-new halter because I FINALLY start puppy classes on August 14th!
I’m extremely excited.
I also needed a new leash.
Why?
Because somebody irresponsibly left my old leash lying around where I could reach it.
So naturally, I chewed that s**t right in half.
Mom has now purchased me a very cool camo KONG collar with a matching leash that is supposedly “indestructible.”
That sounds less like a product description and more like a challenge, but okay.
We’ll see about that.
Mom also says I’m “special” because sometimes when I get onto her bed, I shove my nose into the blankets and drag it around in circles like a complete lunatic.
She says there’s nothing there.
There WAS something there.
I was chasing it.
I know what I saw.
Please stop questioning my investigative techniques.
So basically, Breeder Mama, in the last month and a bit I have:
Gotten my final puppy vaccines and rabies shot.
Reached 57 pounds.
Had my bu****le professionally violated.
Made Mom nearly puke.
Swallowed a bully stick whole.
Survived.
Made friends with Moose.
Discovered grasshoppers are delicious.
Went paddle boarding.
Was abandoned at sea.
Capsized two vessels.
Survived again.
Helped decorate a wedding.
Supported Mom through a patio-furniture-related marital disagreement.
Helped Mom acquire said patio furniture.
Chewed through a leash.
Got upgraded to “indestructible” equipment.
Started making progress with the cats.
Discovered one of them may actually be a raw chicken breast.
And watched Mom dye her hair three times.
And now I start puppy school on August 14th.
So yeah…
I’d say things are going pretty well.
Mom says I’m exhausting.
Dad says I’m expensive.
The cats think I’m an as***le.
Moose thinks I’m awesome.
And personally?
I think I am absolutely thriving.
Love,
Hank 🐾
Professional Wedding Decorator
Grasshopper Connoisseur
Maritime Disaster Survivor
Patio Furniture Negotiator
Leash Durability Tester
Raw-Chicken Cat Investigator
And Brave Survivor of the Great A**l Gland Incident of 2026
