04/25/2026
From the Oxford Dictionary
Respect
1. a strong feeling of approval of somebody/something because of their good qualities or achievements
2. polite behaviour towards or care for somebody/something that you think is important
What does respect mean when we are referring to horses?
I’ve heard “the horse needs to respect me” or “the horse isn’t respecting me” too many times to count. But 90% of the time, when someone says that, they aren’t referring to respect. They are referring to obedience. And that’s an important difference.
Let’s pretend it is two people - a husband and wife. The husband says “I want to have s*x tonight” and the wife says “I don’t really feeling like it tonight”. The husband feels she isn’t respecting him, which isn’t true. She just isn’t obeying him. She is expressing a preference and doesn’t feel like doing what he feels like doing in that moment.
If the husband responds with escalating force, we call that abuse. If he responds by bribing her with gifts, we say he doesn’t respect her. The lack of respect isn’t on her end for not wanting to have s*x - it is on his end for trying to find a way to make her comply. And if he says “she doesn’t respect me because she won’t do what I want when I want”, we tell him he doesn’t understand what the word respect actually means.
So what does respect mean in the horse world? It means that a horse RESPECTS your personal space, not invading it without permission/invitation. It means that a horse RESPECTS your personal safety - not kicking you, biting you or running you over. It means not hurting your farrier and vet when they need to do care for the horse. It does not mean that the horse OBEYS you. That he does tricks. That he performs. That he leads with you when you have no purpose, no focus, and just want him beside you.
Now this next step is where I see most people fall down. Respect is a two way street. So if we want respect from the horse, we need to also show respect. What does that mean? It means RESPECTING if a horse wants to be brushed or not. Horses do not need to tolerate you touching them all over all the time. If your horse doesn’t want to be groomed, don’t. It means not submitting the horse to a blanket if they say they don’t want it. Or forcing them to tolerate you “loving on them” if they aren’t in the mood. It means letting them walk over and sniff that thing that they want to see or graze on that good bit of grass, so long as it isn’t putting you, them or anyone else in danger. It means letting them express their full range of emotions and listening to them when they tell you something isn’t ok or they aren’t ready for that next ask.
It means letting go of control and building a relationship. It also means taking accountability for what you bring to the table - your moods, your emotions, your focus - and regulating those things. It means holding your boundaries and listening to theirs.
The outcome of having RESPECT in the proper term vs how it is so often used in the horse world? I took Sarge for a ride on Thursday. He had two 10 min rides in the round pen and one trail ride with Don TWO YEARS AGO. To prep him for those rides, Don spent time with Sarge in the field. He scratched him in the areas he pointed to. He asked Sarge to maintain personal space and communicate softly. He encouraged Sarge to be calm. Then life got busy and Sarge sat.
I was short a horse for the ride Thursday, so asked Don if I could take Sarge. I have also been spending time in the field building a report (though not the magic Don and Sarge have). Then one rider cancelled and I could have taken Raven. But as I looked out in the field and saw Sarge moving, I knew he wanted to be a part of the ride.
On the ride, there were things Sarge said no to. He didn’t want to cross the creek first. I asked him to trot to catch up to the horse in front of him (damn, those Rockies walk fast LOL) and he said no to that too. I didn’t escalate pressure. I didn’t stress. I let the other riders take their horse through the water and Sarge followed. On the way back, he had no issues with the water and didn’t hesitate because I didn’t make it an issue. We didn’t trot and that’s ok. I’ll ask again next time we ride. And the time after that. And one of those times, he will feel balanced, connected, and energetic enough to do it. Or maybe he will offer a trot one day, all his own idea. And if it is safe to do so, I will go with it. Because if I want him to try things I would like to try, I need to be willing to try things he wants to try. And if I want him to listen to me when I say i don’t feel safe, I need to listen to him when he says he doesn’t feel safe.
He also gave me mostly yeses. He led several parts of the ride. He stopped and grazed and then moved on when I asked. He stopped mid-playful buck when Rose trotted up a hill and he went to catch up to her (I wasn’t feeling safe and asked him to just walk and because I had respected when he didn’t feel safe, he respected when I didn’t feel safe).
Go back to the definition of respect. Yes, you want respect from your horse. But make sure what you are working towards is respect, not obedience. If you go by the definition of the word, it is mainly about you becoming something that the horse holds in high regard. And that isn’t achieved through anger, force or treats. That is achieved by BEING something the horse wants to be with. And who wants to be with a control freak? Or a person with no boundaries? Find the middle ground and you will find your horse!
