02/05/2026
There are two types of dogs in this world.
Dogs who steal things…
…and dogs who steal things and then invoice you for returning them.
Dave is firmly in the second category.
⸻
When Dave was a puppy, he had all the classic qualifications:
* Quick
* Quiet
* Morally flexible
Socks disappeared. Leaves were “acquired.” Small, unidentifiable objects appeared in his mouth like he was running a side hustle we weren’t part of!
Now, most people handle this phase like they’re working airport security with a mild temper problem.
“DROP IT.”
“NO.”
“WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?!”
Cue chase scene. Cue gulping. Cue the beginning of a lifelong career in resource guarding.
We decided to… not do that.
Instead, every time Dave had something, we reacted like he’d just brought us a winning lottery ticket.
“What have you got?!”
Big energy. Big interest. Possibly a bit too enthusiastic for the situation, but that’s show business.
Dave would wag like he’d just been promoted, and we’d offer him something better.
Not fair. Not equal.
Always Better.
Sock? → Chicken
Leaf? → Cheese
Random fluff? → Surprise upgrade
And he’d hand it over like a gentleman closing a business deal.
No tension. No drama. No “you can’t have that.” Just:
“Mate, you’ve come to the right place. Let’s improve this situation for both of us.”
We did this a few times a day, with things that didn’t matter, because and this is the bit people skip, we controlled the environment. Dave wasn’t free-roaming the house like a tiny burglar. He was either in a playpen or supervised like he was carrying state secrets.
So what we built was a pattern.
Having things is good… but giving them to humans is better.
⸻
At some point, Danielle took this already functional system and gave it a name.
She called it MONEY.
And honestly, that’s when Dave really leaned in.
Anything he brought to us could be exchanged.
No forms. No waiting period. No fine print.
Leaf? Money.
Toy? Money.
Something that looked like it had survived three previous households? Also money.
Dave didn’t just accept this system…
He invested in it.
He started looking for things.
Then collecting them.
Then, this is where it gets slightly unhinged, storing them.
We’d find little stashes like he was preparing for an economic downturn.
And you could almost hear the internal dialogue:
“Do I cash this in now… or hold out for a better rate?”
⸻
Fast forward to a few days ago.
Danielle drops a tablet near the kitchen bench.
We don’t notice immediately. Later on, we go looking for it.
It’s gone.
Now, in most households, this is where things escalate quickly.
Because if the dog has it, you’ve got about a three-second window before:
* it gets swallowed
* it gets guarded
* or it turns into a full-contact sport
We… didn’t panic.
Because if Dave had it, there was only one likely outcome:
He’d sell it back to us.
⸻
We’re halfway through checking under couches when Dave hops up onto Danielle’s knee.
Calm. Composed. Looking very pleased with himself.
He presents… his earnings.
The tablet.
Just hands it over like:
“You’re welcome. I believe this falls into the premium category.”
No stress. No chase. No damage.
He’d had it the whole time.
While we were crawling around on the floor like amateurs, Dave had already run the numbers and decided this was a high-value transaction opportunity.
⸻
And just when we thought we’d seen the full extent of Dave’s financial genius…
Earlier this week, he wandered into the pantry.
Now, I don’t know what your dog does in the pantry, but in most households that’s not a sentence that ends well.
Out he comes, trotting proudly.
Head up. Purposeful.
Carrying…
a small potato.
Straight over to us. Places it carefully. Waits.
We just stared at him.
Because somewhere along the line, Dave had looked at a raw potato and thought:
“Yes. This is absolutely currency.”
And then we lost it.
Completely.
Because the confidence… the commitment… the absolute certainty that he had nailed the brief…
Honestly, you have to respect it.
⸻
Here’s the funny part.
Dave isn’t trying to be “good.”
He’s not being obedient.
He’s not thinking, “I’d better give this back before I get in trouble.”
That entire concept doesn’t exist for him.
Dave lives in a world where:
Bringing things to humans = excellent life choices
So he does it.
Willingly. Happily. Repeatedly.
And occasionally… with vegetables.
⸻
And if you zoom out for a second, underneath all the humour, there’s a very real outcome here.
Because dogs who learn that humans take things…
either fight for them…
or swallow them.
Dogs who learn that humans pay well…
bring things back.
Sometimes things you want.
Sometimes things you don’t.
But critically…
they come to you.
⸻
So yes, Dave has a slightly questionable understanding of what counts as money.
His portfolio includes socks, leaves, high risk tablets… and now root vegetables.
But he also made a very good decision with that tablet.
And one day, that same decision-making might matter a lot more than a laugh over a potato.
⸻
Be like Dave.
Or at the very least…
pay your dog properly.
