08/16/2026
HORSE OWNER'S OPERATING MANUAL
Thank you for purchasing Horse. You have selected a premium, self-propelled, forage-powered recreational animal with advanced sensory capabilities and a surprisingly limited commitment to common sense. Please read this manual carefully before use. Failure to do so will not affect the horse in any way. It will, however, affect you.
01 — PRODUCT SPECIFICATION
Product: Horse. Weight: approximately 400–700kg. Power source: grass. Alternative power source: hay. Emergency power source: someone else's hay. Drive: four-wheel. Brakes: variable. Steering: strongly influenced by opinion. Navigation: excellent. Destination compliance: poor. Noise generation: exceptional. Self-preservation: selective. Common sense: optional extra. Warranty: don't be ridiculous.
02 — INSTALLATION
Upon delivery, place Horse in an appropriate environment. Horse should have access to food, water, shelter, companionship, appropriate exercise, and routine care. Horse may then decide that what it actually requires is the other horse's food, the other horse's water, the other horse's shelter, and the precise patch of grass you were trying to protect. This is normal.
03 — START-UP
Horse may initially appear quiet, sensible and cooperative. This is the Demo Mode. Demo Mode is designed to give the purchaser unrealistic confidence. Average duration: 3–11 days. In some cases, up to six months. Do not become emotionally invested in this behaviour.
04 — OPERATING MODES
Horse has several operating modes.
NORMAL: Horse walks. Horse eats. Horse stands. Horse does ordinary horse things. This mode may occur without warning. Enjoy it.
SLIGHTLY CONCERNED: Horse stops. Head rises. One nostril becomes enormous. The object of concern may be identified later. It may also never be identified.
EXTREMELY CONCERNED: Horse has discovered a leaf.
FULL SYSTEM FAILURE: Horse has discovered that the leaf has moved.
05 — ERROR CODES
E-01: HORSE HAS SEEN SOMETHING. Check surroundings. Nothing will be visible. This does not mean there is nothing there. Horse disagrees.
E-02: HORSE HAS NOT SEEN SOMETHING. This is more serious. Horse is now staring at the exact point in space where the invisible thing is expected to appear. Do not approach.
E-17: WHEELBARROW. The wheelbarrow is known to Horse. Horse has used it previously. Horse has now rejected it. Reason unavailable.
E-23: PLASTIC BAG. Evacuate.
E-24: DIFFERENT PLASTIC BAG. Evacuate faster.
E-31: BUCKET HAS MOVED. Do not attempt to restore previous bucket position. This may worsen the situation.
E-44: HORSE HAS BECOME AWARE OF ITS OWN HINDQUARTERS. Stand clear.
E-52: HORSE IS STANDING PERFECTLY STILL. Do not touch anything. Do not breathe loudly. Do not celebrate. You have approximately eleven seconds.
06 — HOOF MAINTENANCE
Regular hoof maintenance is essential. Horse may cooperate. Horse may also suddenly develop an itch, an urgent need to urinate, a profound interest in the hedge, a pressing concern about a horse approximately 300 metres away, or an inability to remember how legs work. The final hoof is a separate maintenance event. The manufacturer recommends allowing additional time. Approximately: the rest of your day.
07 — HYDRATION
Horse requires clean, fresh water. Horse may refuse clean, fresh water. Horse may then drink enthusiastically from a muddy hoofprint, a puddle containing organic matter, a trough with a suspicious green film, or water that has clearly been left outside since the Norman Conquest. Do not interfere. Horse has made its decision.
08 — FEED
Horse is designed to consume forage. This does not mean Horse will consume the forage you have purchased. Horse may reject hay because it is too dry, too wet, too long, too short, too near the other horse, too far from the other horse, or because you have looked at it with unreasonable expectations. Horse may then eat the same hay from the floor. This is not a fault. This is a negotiation. You will lose.
09 — WEATHER COMPATIBILITY
Horse is rated for operation in rain, wind, cold, heat, snow, and conditions generally described by humans as "absolutely bloody awful." Horse may nevertheless become distressed because the wind has changed direction, a cloud has moved, the rain is falling vertically, the rain is falling horizontally, or the sun is shining in a manner Horse considers inappropriate. Environmental tolerances are therefore theoretical.
10 — FLY MANAGEMENT
Horse includes an integrated fly-response system. The system is extremely sensitive. Unfortunately, it has only two settings: ignore fly completely, and become possessed by demons. Intermediate settings are not available. Please do not stand underneath Horse during demon mode. This advice is routinely ignored.
11 — SAFETY
Horse may remain calm while a tractor passes within six feet. Horse may then attempt to leave the country because a person has moved a bucket. This is not a contradiction. Do not attempt to identify consistent patterns. There aren't any.
12 — VETERINARY DIAGNOSTICS
If Horse appears lame, contact your veterinary surgeon. Horse may remain lame until the vet arrives. Upon seeing the vet, Horse may become sound. Completely sound. Suspiciously sound. The horse may then demonstrate advanced athletic ability previously unknown to science. Once the vet leaves, Horse may immediately become lame again. This feature is known as Selective Diagnostic Compliance. It cannot be disabled.
13 — HUMAN COMFORT
Horse has not been designed with human ergonomics in mind. When handling Horse, the human may experience back pain, knee pain, shoulder pain, cramps, sweating, dehydration, and the sudden realisation that they have been standing in the same position for approximately fourteen years. This is normal. The horse is comfortable. That is what matters.
14 — SOFTWARE UPDATES
Horse receives automatic behavioural updates. Updates occur without notification. Typical updates include: previously acceptable bucket becomes unacceptable bucket, safe corner becomes dangerous corner, normal gate becomes suspicious gate, favourite feed becomes unacceptable substance, perfectly normal object becomes object requiring immediate evacuation. Updates cannot be reversed. Previous settings are unavailable. Please do not ask for them.
15 — TROUBLESHOOTING
Horse will not catch. Offer food. Horse approaches. Remove headcollar. Horse leaves. Repeat. Horse now believes this is a game. Congratulations. You have created a recreational activity.
Horse will not enter stable. Check that stable is dry, safe, comfortable, well-bedded, and contains food. Horse will now refuse to enter because the stable is "wrong." No further troubleshooting is available.
Horse will not load. Check trailer. Check ramp. Check surroundings. Check horse. Check your will to live. If all components appear functional, wait. Horse will eventually load. This may occur immediately. It may also occur next Thursday.
16 — WARRANTY EXCLUSIONS
The manufacturer's warranty does not cover spooking, bucking, refusing, escaping, rolling immediately after grooming, getting muddy immediately after bathing, destroying rugs, losing shoes, eating things it shouldn't, not eating things it should, being lame when observed, being sound when examined, or becoming frightened by something it has encountered approximately 4,700 times. These are considered standard features.
17 — KNOWN FAULTS
Horse may occasionally walk backwards into you, stand on your foot, lean on you, move sideways without warning, put its entire weight into one hoof, and then look at you as though you have personally caused the situation. These faults have been reported repeatedly. The manufacturer has declined to investigate.
18 — DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REPAIR
If Horse suddenly behaves in a completely inexplicable manner, do not attempt to fix the problem yourself. Consult an appropriately qualified professional. Preferably several. They will all have slightly different opinions. Horse will ignore all of them.
19 — END OF SERVICE LIFE
Horse has no recognised end-of-service date. The product may remain operational for 20–30 years. During this period, the human operator will progressively deteriorate. This is considered acceptable. Replacement human components are not covered by the warranty.
20 — FINAL NOTICE
Horse is an intelligent, sensitive and highly adaptable animal. It is also capable of becoming genuinely terrified of a wheelbarrow that has been standing in exactly the same place since 2017. Both statements are true. Please do not attempt to reconcile them. You will hurt yourself.
Thank you for choosing Horse. We hope you enjoy your purchase. For best results: provide good forage, fresh water, appropriate management, regular hoof care, veterinary care when required, and approximately seventeen thousand hours of patience. Horse will repay you with companionship, character, athleticism, affection and the occasional moment that makes the entire thing worthwhile.
It will then s**t in the water.
This is not covered under warranty.
