10/22/2026
BREAKING NEWS: WAR HAS BEEN DECLARED AT RBF FARM & SANCTUARY!
After reviewing surveillance footage of the local squirrel mafia helping themselves to approximately 50% of my pecan harvest, I decided enough was enough! I have waited 4 years for a harvest! 4!
Armed with a ladder, a snake catcher, and a questionable amount of confidence, I set out to reclaim MY pecans. This was viewed by the squirrel mafia as an act of war.
One particularly unhinged squirrel took great offense to my presence and proceeded to follow me around the tree, screaming obscenities from above while repeatedly pelting me with pecan shrapnel.
I was struck AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES.
On MY property. With MY pecans. By a squirrel.
I considered recording myself climbing the ladder to confiscate the stolen goods, but decided that if I fell, my insurance company probably didn't need video evidence of my questionable decision-making.
Unfortunately, the security cameras only captured a brief moment of me looking up after being assaulted. The remaining attacks occurred off camera. So they are smart too... smart enough to just make me look a little insane.
The suspect remains at large, armed, extremely hostile, and in possession of stolen property.
They may have the high ground, but I have the ladder!
