14/08/2026
It has been a while since I last posted hereโฆ
First, I want to thank you all for the incredible number of messages, comments and words of support I received after losing my beloved ๐๐ต๐พ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ธ๐ท.๐ค
I am sorry that I have not been able to reply to everyone. I read your messages, even when I did not have the strength to answer them, and they meant more to me than you probably realise.
I also owe you an explanation for my silence here.
For a while, I simply needed to disconnect from ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐พ๐ป๐ผ ๐ญ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ถ๐ผ.
This page has always been such a happy place for me. A place filled with my Poms, puppies, births, silly moments and beautiful memories. And, of course, so much of ๐๐ต๐พ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ธ๐ท.
After losing him, coming here was simply too painful.
The grief has been much harder than I could ever have imagined.
There have been moments when my mind became so consumed by ๐๐ต๐พ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ธ๐ท that I would replay the accident over and over again in my head, thinking about what happened, what I could have done differently, desperately wishing I could go back and change the course of that day.
At times, those thoughts became so overwhelming that I experienced panic attacks.
That is also why I have tried to keep myself busy and surrounded by people. Being alone with my thoughts was sometimes simply too much.
I still see him everywhere.
I see him in places he would have loved. I imagine the pictures I would have taken of him, how he would have behaved, the attention he would have attracted and all the little โwowsโ and โawwwsโ from people passing by.
Sometimes it is something as simple as a butterfly appearing near meโฆ๐ฆ๐
And for a few seconds, my heart wants to believe that my baby has found a little way of saying hello to his mummyโฆ
There is still that instinct to look for him. To call him. To expect my little shadow to be there.
These past few weeks, however, have also given me moments when the pain became a little quieter.
I have been on holiday with my family and my parents, and I took two of my little ones with me. ๐พ๐พโค๏ธ
Being surrounded by the people I love, travelling, discovering new places, laughing together and watching my two babies enjoy every new adventure gave my mind some respite.
There were even moments when I forgot the pain for a while.
And I needed those moments.
My other Poms need their mummy too. Slowly, I have been finding my way back to them.
They know when something is wrong with their mummy. They come to me, kiss me even more and stay close, as though they were trying in their own little way to take some of the pain away. โค๏ธ
I have also received some precious news about ๐๐ต๐พ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ธ๐ท.
The laboratory has successfully cultured enough of his cells to preserve a couple of vials.๐ฉต
They are continuing to cultivate and expand more cells before cryopreserving them, so that as many of his cells as possible can be safely preserved for the future.
Knowing that those tiny living cells of my baby are there brings me a kind of comfort that is difficult to explain.
What I eventually decide to do with them remains a decision for another day.
For now, simply knowing that I still have that possibility is enough.
Grief does not follow a timetable.
I needed to step away from ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐พ๐ป๐ผ ๐ญ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ถ๐ผ until being here no longer felt unbearable.
I am not ready to say that everything is fine.
It isnโt.
I miss my baby terribly. Every single day.
But I think I am ready to slowly open the door to ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐พ๐ป๐ผ ๐ญ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ถ๐ผ again.
And perhaps sharing a few pictures of the two little travellers who accompanied me on our family holidays is the right place to start.
Thank you for still being here.
Thank you for your patience during my silence.
And, above all, thank you for having loved my beautiful ๐๐ต๐พ๐ฎ ๐๐ธ๐ธ๐ท with me. ๐๐ผ๐ค๐๐ฆ
