20/04/2026
The Stages of Dog Walking… 🐕
Stage 1: The Dreamer ✨
“This is going to be amazing. Fresh air, cute dogs, loads of exercise… basically getting paid to have a lovely time.”
Owns one lead. Possibly matching outfit. Still smells nice.
Stage 2: The Slightly Overbooked 📅
“Yes I can squeeze one more in!”
Suddenly has 14 dogs, no lunch break, and is power-walking like they’re late for the last chopper out of ‘Nam.
Stage 3: The Equipment Collector 🎒
Why own one lead when you can own 47?
Whistles, long lines, short leads, spare leads, emergency leads… not a clue where half of them came from.
Stage 4: The Human Calculator 🧠
Constantly counting.
“1, 2, 3… where’s Dave… 4… no that’s not Dave… WHOSE DOG IS THAT?”
Can spot a loose dog at 300 metres with military precision.
Stage 5: The Weathered Warrior 🌧
Rain? 💦Fine.
Wind? 💨Fine.
Biblical sideways hail? “Character building.”
Has accepted that being permanently damp and muddy is now a personality trait.
Stage 6: The Behaviour Analyst 👀
“That ear flick means he’s about to leg it.”
“That tail wag is suspicious.”
“That spaniel has absolutely no thoughts behind those eyes.”
Knows what’s about to kick off before it even thinks about kicking off.
Stage 7: The Client Translator 📱
Client: “He’s really good off lead.”
Translation: “He’s not been seen since Tuesday.”
Client: “He’s friendly.”
Translation: “Brace yourself.”
Client: “He just pulls a bit.”
Translation: “You’ll be in a hedge shortly.”
Stage 8: The Coffee-Fuelled Survivor ☕
Running purely on caffeine and muscle memory.
Can clip a lead on, open a gate, and dodge a squirrel 🐿️ all at the same time… without blinking.
Stage 9: The Boundary Setter 🚫
“No, I don’t do 6am to 9pm.”
“No, I won’t ‘just quickly’ pop in on a Sunday.”
“No, I don’t charge £10 because Dave down the road does.”
Growth. Maturity. Slight sass.
Stage 10: The Seen-It-All Veteran 🐾
Nothing phases you anymore.
Dog rolls in fox poo? 💩 Standard.
Lead snaps? Handled.
Random man shouting about barking? Background noise.
You’ve got stories. You’ve got patience.
And you’ve absolutely googled “jobs where I don’t have to speak to humans”… but you never left, because dogs = ❤️