15/10/2018
Saw this, tickled me, it is pretty true...how bonkers are we? But it is great fun.....
A Muddy Mayhem guide: The Eventer
This is The Eventer. They may look complicated but they are actually very simple to understand. They are fuelled by adrenaline and alcohol.
The Eventer pays £100's to get up at 3am and drive to a field in the arse end of Surrey. The Eventer then does a 5 min dressage test, a 2 minute showjumping round and a 5 minute Cross country round. Those 12 minutes are spent trying to avoid death and getting Eliminated. Anything other than death or elimination is a good day.
Dressage Test - This is the first part and least likely to cause death. The Eventer is not scared by the dressage, they just want it done with minimum embarrassment and the smallest penalty score.
Showjumping - This stage can cause huge stress for The Eventer. This is because the fences fall down with the potential to change a good score into something a cricket team would be proper chuffed with. The chances of getting eliminated are also massively increased. Worse than that the proximity of the burger wagons to the ring means that cricket score/elimination will be seen by everyone.
Cross Country - This is the phase The Eventer loves the most. It's also the bit that makes them a touch terrified. Sometimes The Eventer thinks about the insanity of galloping at fixed fences on half a ton of horse and it makes them laugh at the stupidity of it all.....and then do a little fear sick in their mouth.
This is The Start Box. This is a little fenced area The Eventer rides into before going Cross Country. It involves a person counting down from 10 at them and The Eventer's bum hole twitching in fear.
Elimination - There are many ways of getting Eliminated. Some of them make sense, other ways are invented by The Eventer. Every Eventer has a story of a totally ridiculous reason they managed to get Eliminated. It is an Eventer badge of honour and they are probably prouder of their ridiculous reason for getting Eliminated than they are of their double clear at Chatsworth.
The Eventer spends a lot of time on BDWP website. BDWP stands for Big Dent in Wallet or Purse. This site is where The Eventer hands over their wage packet to be able to enter events. It is also where The Eventer spends hours stalking the results of every other Eventer they know.
The Eventer has seen International Velvet eleventy billion times.
Sometimes The Eventer goes to an event where there is a party. The Eventer will lose all self control. The Eventer will ignore the fact they have an 8am dressage test the next day, will drink like Oliver Reed at a stag do and dance on a table until 3am. The Eventer fu***ng loves a party.
The Eventer may tell you they didn't have the best day on paper. This means The Eventer doesn't want to talk about their fu***ng disaster of a day. The Eventer wants you to hand them gin.
If The Eventer tells you they won an event don't ask them how much prize money they won. This question will make The Eventer laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Even though they won the event that cost them £100's to enter and competing at puts strain on every aspect of their personal life, the prize was a dandy brush and a rosette.
The Eventer has lots of photos of them eventing. In each one they are pulling a funny face but they don't care about that because their horse looks good. The Eventer could've bought a yacht with the money they have spent on photos.
Sometime The Eventer tries out a different equestrian sport because they want to stay out of the mud. They turn up wearing slightly grubby tweed and being friendly to their fellow competitors. This proper freaks out the real Dressage Divas and Showjumpers.
Legend has it one day an Eventer counted up how much money they spend on Eventing. This Eventer was a fool. They are still crying now whilst swigging neat gin from the bottle.
The Holy Grail of Eventing is to go to Badminton. Some Eventers are Demi-gods who will ride at the 4* event. Some Eventers are very awesome and will ride in the Grassroots competition and the rest of The Eventers will go wearing *that* yellow coat and a fur headband, drink lots of Pimms, hammer their credit card and then stalk Ben Hobday.
The Eventer might seem like a strange creature, but really they aren't. They have never forgotten what it was like to watch their childhood heroes gallop around the best competitions in the world and be desperate to be just like them. Whether they manage to get around Burghley or a BE80 The Eventer is brilliant, amazing, brave and every so slightly bonkers!
